From my Diary: Celebration, reflection, death and birth


A strange weekend, full of celebration and reflection. My Grampa is ill in hospital, it's the end of life, I think it's time he'll not be going home as he has kidney failure so the only time he has left is in hospital and he's in a lot of pain. I always thought who would ever be able to say when it's time to stop someone else's treatment, that you would want to hang on to any glimmer of chance but when the person is uncomfortable and doesn't know where he is anymore it really feels like the right way to go.

I've been trying to remember things about my Grampa especially from before he had Alzheimer's, it was a long time ago, when I was young, the line of before and after is very blurry but I remember some moments, Grampa on the space hopper bouncing in the garden, playing chopsticks on the piano, enjoying his beer, smacking me on the back when I cleared my throat once and making me cough more, giving me a good rotary pencil that was suitable for drafting and making us supper of toast and tea, he would be washing the dishes in the kitchen after my Gran prepared a meal.

Thinking about this from time to time over the weekend, it's like he's already gone and I suppose he has, long ago, the stroke at Christmas last year really was the last point, by March I think the grieving was done for most of us. A person's body is not who they are, it's their spirit and personality and this left us some time ago.

We went for dinner with friends, seeing my friend’s pregnant belly grow makes me excited for life, if a little impatient, I want to experience life and I want my children to know my Gran, their great Gran, I want them to see her strength. The way my Gran looks after my Grampa, her resilience will always be a part of me, it will always affect me and be part of how I see relationships.

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