From my Diary: Celebration, reflection, death and birth

17/10/11

A strange weekend, full of celebration and reflection. My Grampa is ill in hospital, it's the end of life, I think it's time he'll not be going home as he has kidney failure so the only time he has left is in hospital and he's in a lot of pain. I always thought who would ever be able to say when it's time to stop someone else's treatment, that you would want to hang on to any glimmer of chance but when the person is uncomfortable and doesn't know where he is anymore it really feels like the right way to go.

I've been trying to remember things about my Grampa especially from before he had Alzheimer's, it was a long time ago, when I was young, the line of before and after is very blurry but I remember some moments, Grampa on the space hopper bouncing in the garden, playing chopsticks on the piano, enjoying his beer, smacking me on the back when I cleared my throat once and making me cough more, giving me a good rotary pencil that was suitable for drafting and making us supper of toast and tea, he would be washing the dishes in the kitchen after my Gran prepared a meal.

Thinking about this from time to time over the weekend, it's like he's already gone and I suppose he has, long ago, the stroke at Christmas last year really was the last point, by March I think the grieving was done for most of us. A person's body is not who they are, it's their spirit and personality and this left us some time ago.

We went for dinner with friends, seeing my friend’s pregnant belly grow makes me excited for life, if a little impatient, I want to experience life and I want my children to know my Gran, their great Gran, I want them to see her strength. The way my Gran looks after my Grampa, her resilience will always be a part of me, it will always affect me and be part of how I see relationships.

Snug

The importance of a date night, exploring the city nightlife just the two of you. When it’s acceptable to be a couple, to eat together, drink and dance together. Just another couple in a sea of people, groups of friends, those looking for another and couple.

Find a table and chairs and get your energy back with some nachos and a glass of wine or a Guinness in the snug bar. Then head on to another place, feeling part of something, both surrounded and isolated.

From my Diary: Lists, Kitchen and Food

28/09/11

We go with our list, we're so lucky we don't need to worry, find what we want throw it in the basket, couldn't tell you the cost of most items. But all around us it's different, people hear redundancy, offices close and the lights remain off. What is our back up, where is our plan. The onus is always on me, take stock, be sure, be prepared, be organised.

A tidy kitchen, it's a small step but it makes me want to cook more, to create something and to tidy up afterwards. I can't stand eating alone, I'll eat junk, thankfully I don't eat alone too often.

People talk about Eat, Love, Pray, the favourite part often being sitting and eating your the best foods on your own, I 'd rather share food with those I love. I enjoy eating along in a restaurant but not in a room with nobody else. I don't want to over analyse things we all have our likes and dislikes.

From my Diary: Obligation, Time and Motherhood

27/09/11

I was torn whether to go to a Guide meeting or head home, my heart wanted to be in my own home, no matter how messy, but I felt an obligation to go to a meeting. Guiding is something I'm pleased to have a break from, I think I enjoy it but I'm starting to wonder whether I would prefer the free time. I feel guilty when I'm not doing it, rather like my first aid training.

We went to bed quite late and lay in the dark talking and laughing, there will never be enough time together just chatting. In my ideal work we'd have our own business or both work from home, not side by side every minute of the day but to know I could just walk through and see him and eat with him.

I read and listen to other peoples' stories of motherhood, I try to disconnect myself from it, to enjoy the here and now and not wish my life away, but I'm impatient and I want to experience life, to really experience it. Perhaps this is the lesson in patience and control I need.